Things I have learned in My #22 and #23

 "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical oh yeeeaaah" (Taylor Swift, 22)

I remember hearing this song when I was 13, not knowing what 22 really feels like hahaha

Of all the lessons learned I had throughout my 22 and half 23 (some but not all), I may say:

1. The world doesn't revolve around me

Honestly, I heard this one just some days ago from my flatmate, but it hits me so hard these days. I mean like I don't know why... It sounds weird tho. It's just that I realize every individual is having their own consciousness, their lives, stories, decisions, joy, sadness, etc.. Simply as my friends are spending time on holiday, some are searching for jobs, or studying, it seems complex to imagine that this world is made of (probably) a countable infinite number of storylines. Every people has emotions at a discrete time that I can't control, and neither they can control mine (if my mind were strong enough to do so haha).

I feel even smaller compared to the world now. But that's okay, I might be small and insignificant in number, but what I want to do is to give the most significant contribution to society.

2. I don't fit in with the hustling world

I realize that I am not comfortable with this hustling-bustling world, with all this competition, renewal, and fast-developing society. Even writing papers feel like a competition. When you have spent so much time on one paper, and then a new state-of-the-art appears. You ended up adding more and more literature to your paper. Maybe I could say, the world moves so fast, too fast in fact, and I don't think I can fit in with my current phase.

I don't think that's because I'm slow, I think people are just too fast hehehe that's true tho.. cuz people mostly focus only on one or two things. But I feel like still focusing on too many things, still finding things out, I'm still young anyway...

3. Our assumption against people is actually how we see the world

It is that our perspective is small and limited. What we assume other people may be/have, is most likely what we actually do to the world. For example, if you think that your friends often judge you without knowing about you. That is actually how you see the world, that the world is just a world where people judge each other, that judgment is a usual thing. Why? because judging is a common thing for you too, you do that often, that is you, yes youuu, eventually. We apply the same behavior as we do to the world that we see, so we perceive the world in a rather small piece of our behavior, hence it is the world for us.

I think this is a very important reflection. Because we can see the bad in ourselves by reflecting and evaluating how we see others. Keep evaluating and evaluating until we always see the good in people.

4. People have different standard

Although in Islam we live in the same ruling, doesn't mean the standard will be the same. I learn this one from my muslimah psychologist, that Allah will judge us by our circumstances. I saw the world in black and white, either people do good things or bad things, and sometimes I didn't (want to) understand their circumstances. That was actually my deepest fear inside. 

I mean like, I have so many flaws, compared to my friends, every day is a struggle, not only to be istiqomah but also to be stable emotionally, to suppress more and more, many and many strong impulses that I just realized people would not normally have it. Seeing how good people are in maintaining their progress towards prayers and God, I feel so inferior. At some point, I saw myself as a bad kind of person, just because I couldn't think the way my friends think, I couldn't feel the way my friends feel. My little self tends to be suppressed emotionally, instead of just accepting things the way it is. But since now I realized that I have circumstances, Allah knows it, and I believe that my judgment will not be the same as everyone else's, then I just need to give the best manner for my prayers.

5. The life that I wanted is the simple one

Sometimes I see people's lives through social media sharing. Like how many people start making a video of "a day in my life... ". My mind clicked on how I thought I wanna be like those who are so productive, maa syaa Allah. They went into really good colleges, and their life was just so neat (at least what's been seen). Their life was just so prestigious, with a bunch of achievements and exposure. I believe everyone who sees it, craves the same life. Despite this, I also know their struggle, and how strong they are mentally, physically, and spiritually. That life is not as simple as what might be seen... 

It got me thinking, is that really the life that I wanted, and most importantly what life wants me to be. I always thought I wanted to be an excellent researcher, having so many connections out there with prestigious academics and collaborating with them in writing papers, to be able to go there and there giving conferences and talks. But as I live here, in Melbourne, to think about it, my ideal life is very simple, I just want to feel safe and validated. The dreams that I always thought of consist of validation, I want validation from people. But at the very base, what low-key I really wanted is to receive His blessings, simply stay with my family where I feel at home, where I feel safe when everyone's busy with their things. But of course, if I can do something more, that would be better.

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If I could mention all the things I learned, it will be a never-ending list. I find comfort in learning new things and perspective, now I also find comfort in reading books. I do believe that reading books give some sort of knowledge and wisdom to those who