Downfall

Hi, if you're here, thank you for your interest in reading my story. I didn't expect it to be inspiring. But I expect you to feel okay to fail or to experience the unexpected, even when it puts you in mental breakdowns. Go on with life, and eventually beautiful things ahead are for you.

DISCLAIMER: your standard may be different than mine, so don't put your shoes on mine, vice versa.

Through the ups, to the downs. I think we normalize not sharing the downfall stories a bit too much. I went through several of them but realized people never really knew about it. Maybe I was so hesitant to talk about it because I was so embarrassed and insecure about what people might have thought about me. But then, who cares... So let's share my recent story.

My Master's study, I think, went unexpected. As I pursued data science, I kinda have a realization that I am so so so dumb in math and stat, that I'd prefer coding (and cooking) instead, tho I'm also not that good. I used to think I was at least above the average in maths, but then data science put me down to the ground. Especially my first semester hit me so hard when I faced Methods of Mathematical Statistics (25 out of 50 credits). It was basically just a basic statistic. Although I learned a similar thing in my Bachelor's but duhh, I have no idea what that is. Thanks god, I passed that subject, with 64 (P). Honestly, to let you know, it was my very first sixty ever in all of my academic transcripts. Moreover, I didn't achieve much in other subjects. It was one disappointing part I went through in my study. I passed sem 1 with H3.

By the way, I had high goals, I wanted to get an H1 in my first year. Why? That way, I would be able to do the research thesis (that's how it works in Data Science, H1 is a requirement to do thesis), other way I need to do a capstone. Ofc I need a research thesis, that's why I came to Unimelb in the first place, to do research! It was stated in my scholarship essay, that I need to do this one. So I aimed for that H1 so bad, so so bad.

But then, my grade in the first sem became an anchor. It was soooo difficult to transform that H3 into H1 in one semester. Especially knowing that the later subjects were all maths, not the number-maths, but the letter-maths. Like they allowed you to bring a calculator because you're not gonna use it anyway. Effort after effort, I could only achieve H2B in my first year. I said goodbye to my research thesis. I was devastated at that moment, especially after knowing that a Master's CS looks more tempting than DS (a research thesis is mandatory in CS, how tempting). And I felt that shit moment "Damn, I messed up, I should have gone to CS instead". At some points, I felt like I didn't belong in data science anymore. I didn't really wanna talk about any of the research stuff or grades. I remember my friends saying they didn't feel like they belonged at Fasilkom UI. Now I know how it feels.

The best thing about me is, when life must go on, I go. But I went through a mental breakdown first (maybe because I worked part-time as well, it was mentally overwhelming). It affected many parts of my life, social, financial, beliefs, etc. but not academics because it was summer holiday. But then life still must go on, so I still went on while in therapy, and dropped my part-time job as a programming trainer.

And finally, that moment of January 2023, I fully realized there's more I need to explore than just the academic stuff. Or in other words, I was trying to justify my failure to achieve a research thesis. I was still sad tho, but that's okay, life is still okay, it doesn't end. If one doesn't work, I'll find an alternative to enjoy life. So I made the most of my final year, not on campus, but spent my time hanging out, hiking, tracking, cafe-hopping, and going to the beach. My attendance in classes was like < 5%, if anyone ever gave me an invitation somewhere, I'll go no matter what. One moment, I went to hike Grampians 2 days before my exam. I didn't really care about pursuing any research anymore or connecting to researchers and stuff. I still did try my best in my academics tho. But my goal had become to experience life as much as I could.

Surprisingly, my grades, my grades went up. High enough to receive H2A, almost an H1 in my graduation. My grades in several subjects were exceptional, so I had the opportunity to connect to one of the researchers in my field, and he guided me for a poster presentation at a conference. I gained so much confidence from him telling me my (a-week) writing is good, good enough if I were his PhD student, he would be so pleased with the draft.

I think, life is surprising and will always be. I think the experience has changed my perspective about the uncertainty. Sometimes it goes the way you wanted, but sometimes it doesn't. But know that, whatever belongs to you from God, will always come at you at the right time. The uncertainties throughout the process are the fuel to the adventure. And the adventure itself does not stop until our heart does stop beating. And I kind of enjoy the adventure. But sometimes, at some point, I just feel like I need to slow down, the uncertainty is surely overwhelming, so I need to stop for a while, then move slowly. I really think that's okay, what are we pursuing in life anyway?